True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
