I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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