Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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