We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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