omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I could make wine with my vomit
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
