Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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