i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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