Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Im part way to drunk.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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