something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
