I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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