Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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