checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
