I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
