we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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