Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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