I seem to have left my pride at pride
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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