the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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