There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
