I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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