There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
