no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
