i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
