a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
