I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Iām on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
