Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
