he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
