My boss' voice literally gives me gas
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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