the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
