theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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