So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
