You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
