The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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