she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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