I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
