I just pynch a tree in the face
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
