Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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