just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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