Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
