I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
