she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
