We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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