I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
