This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
its not stalking. its research.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
