Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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