I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
