you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize