anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
