the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
