remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
