Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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