Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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