PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
