The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
