i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
