i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
