Three words: puerto rican gang bang
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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