I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
