I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
