Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
