You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
