i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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