Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
