I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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