Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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