and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
